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I Have Opinions About ‘Bright’. (Rife with Spoilers)

Could’ve been so beautiful
Could’ve been so right
I’ll never hold what could’ve been
On a cold and lonely night….

Tiffany, 80’s Pop Princess

Director: David Ayer
Writer: Max Landis
Stars: Will Smith, Joel Edgerton, Noomi Rapace

So, Bright. Let’s talk about it.

I watched Bright this afternoon with the intent of having it as my first nerd review, but honestly, folks, I don’t know how to review this movie. I had high hopes for Bright, but ultimately it fell flat. No, worse than flat. It went concave on me.

There’s just no story to the story. It needs history. It needs intrigue. It needs suspense. It needs a sense of irony or…something. The attempt to draw parallels to our societal issues with diversity and discrimination is ham-fisted at best.

I get that there is a sequel coming and apparently there’s a featurette now with backstory that I suspect really should have been in the movie all along. The problem here isn’t that it doesn’t provide an info dump of what leads to the world being as it is in Bright, it’s that the story makes me…not care to find out. Good storytelling can leave subtle clues that allow you to draw conclusions or wildly hypothesize about origins while you wait in breathless anticipation for the next chapter.

Bright never got me there.  I don’t have a sense of MUST KNOW, GOTTA KNOW, OH GOD, TELL ME NOW!!!

My rating for this movie has to come down to: Fuck This Noise, Man.

Skip Bright, watch Alien Nation instead.

In the meantime, you can at least read my in-the-moment reactions as I watched Bright, since my cats did the right thing and chose to nap through the whole hot mess and not listen to me complain about it.

  • The Netflix Pitch: “He’s stuck with a partner nobody wants, in a city on edge. And tonight, a mystical weapon will unleash chaotic forces.”
  • Ironically, Bright is a Netflix suggestion because of my interest in W1A. I can’t connect those dots. Sorry, Netflix.
  • Trigger Warning Entertainment? I’m triggered by that.
  • Why does the Orc graffiti look like Spiderman’s Green Goblin?
  • Not going to lie, waiting for Tommy Lee Jones to appear.
  • Now I’m waiting for Wil to go get the mail and not immediately notice a giant alien spaceship.
  • My brain is polluted by prior Wil Smith sci-fi adventures.
  • Instant chemistry score for Wil Smith and wife pairing: -42
  • I’m kinda longing for Sykes and Sam Francisco from Alien Nation right about now.
  • I swear like a sailor, but I’m wondering how many more times they need to drop some F-bombs to accentuate the ‘we’re tough shit, y’all’ vibe.
  • This dialogue is…really tedious.
  • Magic Task Force? That made me laugh. I don’t know if that was supposed to happen.
  • I do love Magic Task Elf’s hair, though.
  • WHERE IS THE TENSION IN THIS STORY????????
  • There are soap opera cops infinitely more convincing at being cops, good or bad, than this group of actors.
  • They’re plotting murder and magical mayhem and I’m really frakking bored here.
  • This gang is cracking me up with the menace attempt.
  • I do like Nick. Nick is cool. I feel like I could have really dug a lone wolf Orc cop doing the right thing, Orc pressure be damned.
  • Oh, come on, Ward, touch the wand. We all know you’re supposed to touch the damn wand.
  • Seriously, though, Alien Nation did this already and did this a lot better.
  • This movie is starting to piss me off, actually.
  • SHUT THE FUCK UP, RODRIGUEZ.
  • Forty-five minutes left and I don’t know if I could summarize this story because this plot has more holes than a wheel of Swiss cheese.
  • Elves with machine guns.
  • Why is rogue elf chick even there? Are we not even going to try to make her mysteriously intriguing? Leeloo in The Fifth Element was more interesting and I hated The Fifth Element.
  • I want to get in on smacking Wil Smith around because I’m mad at him for suckering me into watching this shitstorm.
  • ‘Bout time you did something, Rogue Elf Chick.
  • Oh, her name is Tikka. I must have missed that while I was waiting for something compelling to happen in this freaking movie.
  • Yeah, Nick. I’m out, too.
  • I’m so worried about Ward touching that wand. No, really. I am. I am totally unprepared for…
  • Oh gee, shocker, he didn’t die. Obvious plot twist is obvious.
  • Fiery scenery brought to you by the guys who do Chicago Fire fiery scenery.
  • I think they’re trying to be funny here. Buddy Cop funny.
  • All this ending needs now is a Wookiee.

 

–Primary Bitch Has Spoken

xo

 

 

 

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