Posted in Review

I Have Opinions About How It Ends (Spoilers, But Hell, It Doesn’t Matter With This Turd.)

Director: David M. Rosenthal

Stars: Theo James, Forest Whitaker, Kat Graham, and Mark O’Brien

Available on: Netflix

ends

I stumbled across How It Ends on my Netflix main page. Hadn’t heard of it prior, but y’all, I am a big fan of disaster flicks. I love end of the world scenarios so I pounced on this bad boy.

The story is pretty much this:

This guy is in love with this girl, and they live in Seattle. Don’t ask me their names. I never got around to caring enough to remember them.

Forest Whitaker is the girl’s father, your incredibly un-fleshed-out stereotype of a tough guy ex-military type. He exists to be intimidating and curt, only to eventually warm to Guy. Guy has visited Forest and wife to ask for Girl’s hand in marriage, because she’s preggers and they tell us they’re in love, I guess. I think they’re in New York City. Not that it matters except to be super far away from preggers fiancee-in-waiting. I think it was supposed to be foreshadowing to see some military planes buzzing the high rises, but it only makes you wonder why the eff military jets would be buzzing Manhattan or whatever, and nobody thinks twice about it.

Guy Facetimes Girl just in time for a mysterious situation to arise. Girl is a little apathetic but tries to elicit a look of concern when a loud noise occurs, and then the connection breaks. Guy bops to the airport for a return flight despite the inference of giant disaster via phone chat.

Mystery ensues as the rest of the country is first disconnected from the West Coast, then the grid fails totally. But Guy manages to get back to Forest’s place just in time to hop into a car with the big dude to drive across country to rescue Girl.

What comes next is…driving. We watch the duo drive across the country. Shit happens, but it’s either boring or contrived, so I forget most of it even though I just watched it a few hours ago. Basically, they need to traverse the country using I-90, which is shut down by the military! Well, it is in one spot. The rest of the interstate is wide open for marauders and plot twists aplenty. But Forest says, “Dudes, I’m an ex-Marine.” and the military makes an exception for him to drive his sedan through the big-ass barricade.

At some point, they find a young Native American girl who is great with cars, so they recruit her to travel with them to a destination that they don’t even know exists anymore. She exists to be a terrible stereotype as well, and a really shitty annoying one, at that. It’s okay, even she gets pissed off at her shit role and she leaves the pair eventually.

During one of the predictable plot twists, which are basically rednecks and ruffians doing redneck and ruffian things, Forest breaks some ribs.

Eventually Forest dies of broken rib.

And then eventually Guy gets to Seattle which is either covered in snow or ash. We need Guy to find a conveniently placed fire truck with a conveniently unused gas mask inside for him to steal as he ventures into the heart of the pulverized city to clarify that this must be ash.

His trek into the ruins of Seattle is surprisingly easy, and he is not even remotely disoriented. He arrives home in minutes to see a conveniently lowered fire escape ladder waiting for him. Guy doesn’t even struggle with the thick ash on the ladder rungs as he climbs way up to his place.

Girl isn’t home. But their door isn’t ashy, and she was able to Sharpie a message to him to find her at another address. He quickly finds this new remote location, which is a lovely Northwestern cabin in the woods. I guess their neighbor that Guy doesn’t know is so rich he can afford a deluxe apartment in the sky AND a cabin that is just perfectly far enough away from the ruins of the west coast.

They all gather round to discuss the disaster without saying what the disaster was. Guy never felt the urge to ask, “What the actual fuck happened to the coast, y’all???” The only clues we have about this disaster have been aurora borealis sightings, starling murmurations, a real shitty attempt at a cataclysmic lightning storm, and some earthquakes.

Neighbor Guy decides to share conspiracy theories which disgust Guy. And for whatever reason, Neighbor Guy tries to kill Guy. So Guy kills Neighbor Guy, and Guy and Girl decide to evacuate because oh yeah, some disaster is happening and suddenly the movie decides to look like Dante’s Peak with billowing CGI smoke chasing our happy couple away from the pretty cabin.

The movie ends with our bland duo trying to outdrive the giant roiling clouds o’doom. They blandly exchange I love yous, and the movie ends.

But my rage does not. BECAUSE THIS MOVIE SUCKED ASS!!!! 

Want an end of the world scenario flick that rocks? Try to dig up this indie Canadian piece called Last Night, starring Don McKellar and Sandra freaking Oh! It’s great. It’s weird, it’s funky, and it actually makes the idea of our world ending with no hope for salvation really freaking interesting and entertaining.

As for this? My rating is: It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Want My Two Hours Of Viewing BACK.

–Primary Bitch Has Spoken

xo

 

 

2 thoughts on “I Have Opinions About How It Ends (Spoilers, But Hell, It Doesn’t Matter With This Turd.)

    1. It’s an odd film, but she was fantastic in it. It’s one of my favorite of the style. I feel like Steve Carrell’s Seeking a Friend for the End of the World was a bit of a rip-off of it.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s